Why me?

I recently said to a friend, “I have had way more than my fair share of tragedy in life. Why me?” I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. I was more puzzled than anything. Last year it just got to the point where one thing after another was happening. Life was swallowing me whole and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it. My greatest fear has always been drowning and I truly felt like I was drowning. My friend, bless her heart, understood me. She agreed that I had had way more than my fair share of tragedy in life. In fact, she was amazed that I was still ‘upright’. Her response was a gift to me and a gift from God.

To give you some background I grew up in a family of six children. My home was extremely chaotic & violent. The environment consisted of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. No safety existed. No way to escape except through my music (more on that in a later blog). At the age of sixteen I overdosed on sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital for two months. From there I went to live with a wonderful, Christian foster family. It was there that God’s restoring process began. Problem was I wasn’t spiritually mature enough to accept His road or His love.

The worst of my nightmare was over in that I escaped the horrors of my childhood, at least in physical form, but there were many more hurdles to jump over. Some of those tramatic hurdles were my father’s many suicide attempts, and then his completed suicide in 1987. Several rapes. My husband and I had severe marriage problems early on. We separated twice – coming close to divorcing the second time. Two of my girlfriends during my senior year in high school were murdered. Two other senior classmates died that same year. My husband and I almost lost our son when he was seven months old. These are just a few of the things that I have had to deal with over the years, but this past year was the worst. I’ll go into more detail in a future blog.

I guess the big question is not “Why me?”, but “How do I survive?” Because of the way I grew up I was not prepared to handle life as an adult, let alone as a follower of Jesus. Let’s just say that He got my attention this past year, which is not to say that He caused all the troubles, because He didn’t. I have known for several years as I have grown as a Christian woman that He desires more of me. He wants a relationship with me that is based more on intimacy, not just a Sunday going to church friendship. But I couldn’t allow anyone, including Jesus into the dark areas of my life. We all have those areas no matter what we have gone through. My fear of being hurt yet again kept me from allowing Him in. This past September brought a change that has put new hope in my heart. You know what I had to do? I had to ask for help – from my husband, from my children, from friends, from my church, and from the Lord. The next step was I had to allow them to help me. It’s a two way street. That is how relationships work.

You see, if I had not reached out I would never had heard my friend’s empathy, which warmed my heart because she understood. “Why me?” Why not me. There is a reason that I have seen so much tragedy in my life. I don’t think that I will ever fully understand, but I can’t focus on that. I need to keep my focus on Him and in turn allow Him to use all that I have been through to open the hearts of other hurting people to see Jesus clearer than they ever have in their lives.