Music

In an earlier blog I promised to write more about about how I used music to escape. In elementary school I wanted to play the cello, but I was told that I was too small, so I learned how to play the violin. I was good enough that my friend and I used to play for women’s clubs and other small events. We played in the advanced orchestra during the summer months which was always fun.

After six grade graduation my family moved to a different part of So. Cal. which meant that I would be going to a new Junior High School. That September, I discovered that my new school did not have an orchestra, but they did have a band. The band teacher offered to give me violin lessons after school, but after a few lessons he realized that he was not skilled in strings so the lessons stopped. It was shortly after that when my dad “decided” that my violin was broken. He “took” it and said that he would fix it. Several months later, I discovered it up in my parents closet, broken. I never saw it again.

Understand that for me playing my violin was how I cried when no tears would come. It allowed me to escape the hell hole I was living in. Music of any sort would wisk me away. Music became my way of dealing with the intense feelings that I had inside. When my father took away my violin all “crying” stopped. Years went by. I was removed from the home and placed in a foster home. I got married, had several children, when I finally summed up the courage to try to play again. I rented a violin, but I just couldn’t play. There was too much emotional pain attached to playing and I was drowning inside. So, I returned the violin.

About ten years later I tried again. This time I was at a place where I could allow my tears to flow through music. I had been using a borrowed violin, when my spiritual Mom, Halee, purchased a beautiful violin for me. A gift from God she called it and indeed it was! I began taking lessons, but about six months later, my hands were giving me major problems. It was then that I discovered that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. I had to stop playing as it was too painful, physically, to play. My heart was crushed. I felt like God had ripped something beautiful from my hands. I didn’t understand and I was very angry.

Just two years ago, I thought to myself, since it hurts to much to play the violin, maybe I could play the cello. I figured that it would be easier on my hands. So, I rented one. I could not believe how easy it was too play! Here was the instrument that I had wanted to play from the beginning – the one I loved the most. As far as the arthritis was concerned, I was not having problems as my meds were working. Unfortunately, my wrists began to bother me more and more, before I finally had to give up playing the cello. Needless to say, I was crushed again. For a long time my doctor assumed that I had the early stages of carpel tunnel, and that the soft tissue inflammation from the RA was squeezing the nerve, but that was not the case. I was sent for nerve testing, which showed no carpel tunnel. It was then that the diagnosis for Fibro was dumped in my lap. On top of that is severe pain from Osteoarthritis in my right hand, which the doctor told me that I am not to use (yeah, right!). So, it doesn’t look like I’ll be playing much cello or violin. Oh, well. I can still listen, even though it is painful to listen, I still find myself feeling emotions. Music has been an awesome tool in my life when it comes to my healing and surviving.

I came across a poem on the internet many years ago which I found really speaks of my life in so many ways. It was written by Darren Maybee. I’d like to share it with you.

The Violin

Alone and so silent

This lost violin without a bow

That no one has touched

And no one even knows

Trapped in a deaf world

I was locked in my case

Too quiet to hear

The tears crying on my face

Until one lovely morning

My world was opened wide

Angels from Heaven shouted

While silence ran to hide

God’s hands reached deep

And lifted my soul and sin

He cradled me in His arms

Placing my heart to His chin

The comfort I felt

Was like never before

I knew He was the love

I’d been waiting for

He said, “My dear violin

I’ll make you mine

And touch your soul

With music divine”

He took a bloody cross

And made it into a bow

To strike across my soul

To reveal the scars below

For only His cross

Can make this violin cry

When the sins of my past

Remember to lie

For with each painful stroke

Across the bridge of my soul

The blood from His bow

Washed my heart completely whole

Now this violin

Forever will play

Melodies of Heaven

And dreams of eternal days

For the sweetest song

I shall ever sing

Is when Your peace

Caresses my strings.