Pain

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia just this week. The diagnosis explains the chronic pain and fatigue that I have been dealing with for quite a while. I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis which I have been treated for over eight years. Fortunately, the current medication that I am on has slowed the progression of that disease. I also have Osteoarthritis which there really is nothing that can be done for that. I just have to deal with it. The interesting thing about these two diseases (RA & Fibro) is that on the outside I look like nothing is wrong other than my gnarly hands and the long scar on my left leg from a knee replacement. Chronic pain is extremely fatiguing, plus the medication that I take for it causes drowiness among other side effects. Kind of like a double whammy. It is hard for people to understand how debilitating chronic pain can be unless they have walked the road themselves. I may look like I am fine, but I am in constant pain. It even hurts to hold a newspaper. That is the physical pain that I deal with on a daily basis.

Then there is emotional pain. Invisible to others unless I share all that I have been through with them. Even then, many people don’t understand why I just can’t get over “things”. I was diagnoised with Chronic Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder several years ago, but it was only a few months ago that I finally understood just what that meant for me. I spent a month in the hospital in a special trauma treatment program. One of the things that I had to do was list all the things that I have been through. I was blown away when I really looked at that list. It is a wonder that I am alive today.

The thing about PTSD is that certain situations or places or even people can trigger a flashback. The problem for me is that I live in the area that I grew up in. I drive by places that bring back bad memories. I suppose that I could avoid those places, but that would mean that I could not even walk out my front door. I don’t want to be held prisoner for the rest of my life.

The biggest problem is that my emotional pain is invisible to people. Do I share with them all that I have been through or do I just keep my mouth shut? How do I explain that, for today, I feel awful, when I look just fine? It has even been difficult for my husband of thirty-two years to understand the extent of emotional pain that I deal with on a daily basis. It was just this past August when he finally realized what I deal with every day and he broke down in tears for me. That realization for him was a gift from God. He had been in the process of repairing our brick wall when this name popped into his head. Little Tammy. He got to thinking about little Tammy always being hurt by her daddy in the middle of the night. What must have that been like for her to suffer over and over again. It was then he realized the extent the of damage that child abuse can do on a child, and just how difficult it is to deal with it. Tears began to roll down his face. He put down his tools and went looking for me. I was sitting by the pool when he sat down next to me and proceeded to tell me what had happened. We both cried.

So, just how do I deal with both physical and emotional pain? I put one foot in front of the other, with some days being easier than others. I do what I need to do to help myself. If it is physical pain I take my meds, or soak in the spa, or take a nap and curb my activities. If it is emotional pain, I take care of myself by talking to someone, or by writing, or recalling God’s promises to me. One time I was in so much emotional pain that I couldn’t sleep. I had gone upstairs to read my Bible, because I had found that helpful many times, but this time I couldn’t even read. So, I simply laid down on the sofa clutching my Bible to my chest. The best “pain” medication of all comforted me, because I knew that every word was filled with truth and that I could depend on God even when I couldn’t read. I was able to calm down and finally fell asleep.

My faith is what gets me through each day. If I didn’t have the Lord in my life I simply would not be alive today. I would love to hear how God has worked in your life when it comes to dealing with either physical or emotional pain. When we share we find strength to continue walking the road of life.