“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” Matthew 5:7. This verse hit me hard last Wednesday morning as I sat listening to our associate pastor, Betsy, talk about the Beatitudes. I could not hold the tears back and I almost had to get up to leave as I had a hard time holding my sobs in. (I have learned to take Kleenex with me all the time)
Several weeks earlier I had sent an email to Betsy asking her what it means to honor my parents in light of child abuse. What are my obligations? I found it interesting that Betsy had not gotten back to me yet, which turned out to be a good thing, as I learned another lesson. I need to ask God first. So, as Betsy spoke last Wednesday, I got my answer not just from her; more importantly, it came straight from God.
I don’t deserve mercy from the Lord. I am a sinner, plain and simple. I have done things that I am terribly ashamed of - some things that I know I would be judged harshly for - some things that I would be too afraid to even mention to people - some things that I would rather not know myself. The good thing? Jesus. He has extended mercy; loving me regardless of what I have or have not done. I did nothing to deserve it - no work - no good deeds. Nothing. He simply loves me unconditionally.
Yet, I have placed conditions on whether or not I extend love to my mom (my father took his life in 1987). I have judged her. I have condemned her. I have shut her out of my life. Yes, the world says that she deserves it. The world says that I don’t have to honor her - that I don’t have to care about her. Yes, she hurt me by not getting me the help I needed when I asked her. She hurt me by not protecting me and my siblings from our father. She hurt me by believing that I didn’t need her (when I really did and have all of my life). Yes, it hurts very deeply, but when it comes to extending mercy to her the way Jesus does - well, I need to discard all that hurt - all that pain. I need to quit judging her.
As I write this, my heart is so heavy. Tears are brimming over. My throat is tight. Regardless, I know that what Jesus wants me to do is to let go of all that Mom has done or not done, and just love her. I ask that you who read this to pray for me. It will not be an easy process, nor do I expect this to happen overnight. The Lord knows that some healing needs to take place in my heart, but I know that the process of healing has begun.
Deep down inside me is a hurt child, who so badly wants to love her mommy, but she can’t understand why things happened as it did. As an adult and a mom, I know what it is like to pick up your child and love them regardless of the bad things they have done. Unconditionally. I want to love my mom the same way. Pray that my mind will clear of all the bad stuff that clouds my ability to love her.
I hope that this has not been to difficult to read, but this has been heavy on my heart for quite a while. I would love to get your feedback and support.
May the Lord bless you!
Filed under: Child Abuse, Faith, Mom, Mother, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, Relationships | Tagged: Beatitudes, Child Abuse, good deeds, honor parents, hurt, hurt child, Jesus, Matthew 5, mercy, Mom, pain, process, Sermon on the Mount, tears, unconditionally
This is a hard place - I still have some of these same issues with my mom that still need to be resolved. It is a hard thing to see that the same mercy that I’ve greedily grabbed from the hand of God for myself, I’ve held tightly and refused to extend to so many others, my mother included.
As long as your mother, and mine, are still on this earth there is opportunity for those relationships to be healed and restored to some level, to at least have a healthier relationship. but if I (we) refuse to share the same mercy that’s been given to us then what hope can we possibly have?
If it were all about me and what I want to do and am capable of doing…well, I just don’t have it in me - apart from Christ - only He can work that in any of us.
I know this is a hard place, I hope you are still working on this.
Yes, there is an opportunity to restore my relationship with my mother as she is still alive. After I wrote that post I knew that I had to do something - after all when God reveals something to us we need to respond in obedience. So, I called my mom. It was a very short conversation as she is in a nursing home, but it was a start. Then, her birthday was in March so I sent this beautiful bouquet of white roses and white daisies in a blue vase. I just found out yesterday from my sister that Mom told everyone that the flowers were from her daughter in California, and that instead of sending the vase home with my sister, which she usually does, she has kept it with her. Now, to me that is an amazing reaction from my mom. She has also written me two letters, which I have devoured.
Dealing with my mom is still “hard place”, but as I reach out to her, God is plowing up the ground for a new planting.
Thanks for your comment.