There I was, five years old, dressed in a pretty, white party dress, and standing in front of a door. As I stood there the door opened and Jesus came walking out. He held out his hand to me. I started to reach for his hand, then I lowered my arm and my head, knowing that I couldn’t take his hand. Fear and shame gripped my heart. I knew that I was too dirty. I feared that I would make him dirty as well. On top of that, I was afraid that he would hurt me as I had been hurt so many years ago.
That was a vision that I had many years ago. Even though I made the choice to follow Jesus long ago, I could never seem to give myself completely over to him. There has always been something in the way. I have been studying, with our churches women’s Bible study, the Sermon on the Mount, since the beginning of the year, and this past week our study focused on the wide vs. narrow gate.
From the very first time I had the vision, I wanted so badly to trust Jesus enough to take his hand. As I sat in my small group, last Wednesday, I was suddenly reminded of that little girl, all dressed in white, reaching her hand up to take his - this time I said yes. There was no fear in my heart. Tears began to well up in my eyes and I tried to share with my group what was happening to me. I don’t know if I made any sense, but it really didn’t matter as I knew in my heart what had just happened. It was beautiful.
Since January we have carefully gone through each section of the Sermon on the Mount - the Beatitudes, Salt & Light, the Fulfillment of the Law, Murder, Adultery, Divorce, Oaths, An Eye for an Eye, Love Your Enemies, Giving to the Needy, Prayer, Fasting, Treasures in Heaven, Do Not Worry, Judging Others, Ask Seek Knock, the Narrow & the Wide Gates, A Tree & Its Fruit, the Wise & the Foolish Builders. Each week I was challenged to change different areas of my life in obedience to Jesus’s teachings. Oh, I’ve read Matthew 5, 6, & 7 before, but only applied bits and pieces of it to my life. However, with this study, (by John Stott), I found myself convicted each and every week - all the sections applied to me. It has been a very humbling experience.
So, last Wednesday, we arrived at the Wide & Narrow Gate. We could take the wide gate with the wide path on which to walk - easy - everyone does it - no rules - etc. Or we could take the narrow gate with the narrow path - hard - only room for one person - many rules - etc. The difference - the real difference between the two gates is that Jesus stands just past the entrance of the narrow gate, ready to take our hand, to lead us in becoming more like him. That takes trust - when we rely only on him to help us walk.
To be honest with you, I never thought I would get to this point, but here I am. My hand in his.
Filed under: Child Abuse, Faith, Jesus, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, Relationships, healing | Tagged: Bible study, Child Abuse, Faith, fear, Jesus, Matthew 5 - 7, Sermon on the Mount, shame, trust
wow - I found your blog while tag surfing and after reading this post the first thing I thought of was the first scripture God gave me as I began my journey to healing last year -
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
and He did and He does ! I found Him faithful!!
I have to go catch up reading some of your other posts!
Yes, He does strengthen us even when we are not aware of it. I often go back through my many years of journals to remind myself just how faithful He is. Thanks for reading my blog and God bless you!
Ahhhh the journals - stacks and stacks of journals!! lol
I used to want to have them all burned before I die so that no one would ever read them even after I’m gone but within the past couple of years as God began doing some deep work in me healing those old wounds I’ve realized what a testimony of His redemption, mercy, healing, love and tenderness those journals really are!