Confidence in the Lord

As a child, the confidence I should have had in my parents to protect me was severely damaged. I did not trust that they would keep me safe. I could not go to them for help. In fact, when I was a teen I went to my mom and told her that I needed help – that I was going crazy. Her response to me was “your just growing up”. That response left me so devastated that I realized I had no where to turn. Shortly after that, I attempted suicide, which landed me in the hospital for several months. From there, I went to a foster home.

When a child’s confidence in their parents is damaged, it has a profound affect on their ability to trust people. Even more important, was the fact that my ability to trust the Lord, in all things, was severely damaged. Oh, I have tried so hard, so many times, to trust Him, but my confidence in His ability to keep me safe was lacking significantly. Regardless, I did not give up the ship, so to say. I continued to seek His guidance for my life over the years – sometimes basking in it and sometimes falling away from it.

This week opened my eyes to a new level of understanding of what having confidence in the Lord means. Years ago, I prayed that the Lord would change me. I was deeply depressed – angry to the point that I was taking it out on my children and husband. I was dissociating so much that my husband never knew who he was coming home to each day. I have struggled for so many years in any relationships that I had – at home and at work. I tried to wrestle with the damage of my childhood only to run away from it as hard as I could. I could not understand why I can’t “get better”. I was not only diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, but also Chronic Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When anything stressful came along, no matter how minute it was, I reacted way out of proportion to the crisis.

In therapy this week, I felt for the first time, the extreme terror and chaos that I grew up with. I have blocked it out for so many years. It was like beginning to walk through a mirror, only instead of the mirror breaking, it liquefies, (like what happens in the movies). On the other side, the reality of the horror that I grew up with was there. I could not walk all the way through, because the terror was too real, but for a split second, I was there again. (No hypnosis involved here). I realized that there was no way that I could have trusted my dad because of the terror and the chaos that I lived with on a daily basis. That experience was profound, as I have held my dad up to be a good, loving man – in a sense trying to protect myself from the reality of who he was. Tears come to my eyes right now as I write this.

My dad was an extremely violent man. We always had to be on guard as we never knew when he would start in on us, yelling & screaming, throwing things at us, hitting us, etc. There was no safety as my mom would just sit or stand there, frozen in fear. All these years I have been angry with her, when I should have been angry at dad. I am happy to say that is changing – thank the Lord for His grace. What made everything so crazy for me is that my dad would apologize and tell me that he would never hurt me again. Did he keep his promise? NO. His final lashing out at us was when he took his own life.

Having confidence in the Lord has been a huge challenge for me. Just this morning I was reading how Ezra had confidence in his Lord. He knew that God’s hand was on his life and his journey. He fasted, prayed, and waited on God, trusting that He would provide a safe journey to Jerusalem. Like I said earlier, I prayed years ago that the Lord would change me. It has been a long, hard journey. Many times I fell off the path, only to have God’s gracious hand come along and help me up yet again. As I look back I can see where He has protected me from the enemy – Satan. Because of my background it is truly a miracle that I am still alive. I could have taken my life many times over, but when those times came, the Lord came alongside in one way or another, whether I could see Him or not. He has protected me on my journey and will continue to do so. My confidence in Him is becoming more secure. He is our only sure protection against the enemy who seeks to destroy.